Fornicating While I'm Home: The Mortgage is Ours And The Rules Are Too

Your house, your mortgage, your groceries, your utilities, your patience and somehow your adult kid still thinks they get veto power over your life. We get real about the strange new era of parenting where grown children stay home longer, contribute less, and bring big opinions about how the household should run. If you have ever felt like you are the infrastructure while someone else writes the rules, you are not alone. 

We unpack the flashpoints that turn a normal week into a standoff: the silent treatment that shows up out of nowhere, the surprise moral judgment after a family barbecue, and the day-to-day policing of “don’t burn that candle,” “don’t play that music,” and yes, even “don’t do that while I’m home.” Under the jokes is a serious conversation about privacy, respect, and why adult children living at home still need clear boundaries and basic household responsibility. 

We also talk money, because the financial support is real. From rent and groceries to premium Wi-Fi, transportation, and college tuition, the cost of “free” living adds up fast, and it can quietly drain a parent’s ability to save. Our takeaway is simple: adult kids can have feelings and opinions, but they do not get to manage the adults who pay the bills. Reclaiming adulthood is not selfish; it is how you stay sane and raise people who can handle real life. 

If this hit home, subscribe, share it with a fellow parent, and leave a review. What is the one boundary you wish you had set sooner?

Please email us at Gettoknowthedevil@gmail.com

Transcript

Cold Open And Topic Setup

Lindsay Oakes 0:00

This is Lindsay. And this is Cleveland. And this is another episode of The Devil You Don't Know. Lindsay, let's just jump straight into it. What are we talking about today?

Speaker 1 0:09

Fornicating while I'm home.

Cleveland Oakes 0:10

Oh my god, this is a family show. What what what are we talking about?

Speaker 1 0:14

Parenting. Where the mortgage is yours and the opinions are theirs.

Speaker 0:18

And just in time for Father's Day weekend. That's correct. So let's just get straight into this topic because I think we normally do a little bit of small talk, but this actual topic arised out of some small talk that we're so things going on over here.

Speaker 1 0:31

So, and you know, we were talking about this today. There's like a record number of kids that are living at home for a lot longer than our generation lived at home. You had your own place there, though.

Speaker 0:46

Yeah, I know. I know.

Speaker 1 0:47

So, yeah, and so you know, we've been having a lot of um interesting interactions here at the house where we pay the mortgage, all the bills, pay for the groceries, and often act as the chauffeur and the ATM.

Speaker 1:03

Yeah, y you know, one of them, when we were talking to Lori and Dave um a couple of weeks ago, I I I like to make the joke uh

Adult Kids Staying Home Longer

Speaker 1:10

that they're they were talking about their adult son was complaining about some things, and it was like, well, I guess he left a bad uh left a bad review on TripAdvisor. You know, the customer service around here's really gone down in the last 20 years.

Speaker 1 1:23

Right, exactly. And so, you know, what what made me kind of lean into this topic was the uh two-day silent treatment that I received and you received from the uh the queen mom. I didn't even notice.

Speaker 1:36

Like what?

Speaker 1 1:37

You know, do you remember the time when we first met and I was mad at you for like three or four weeks and you didn't even know?

Speaker 1:42

No, it was great. You didn't tell me till we got to Hungawi. You know, it's like I've been mad at you. And I was like, oh no, no wonder it's been so peaceful.

Speaker 1 1:49

Wow. Wow. Well, I apologize though. Oh, you know, the the other one here, the college drop-in, is that what we call him? He he needed he went to go get it from you know, or drive Timothy back, and he asked for my Costco card so he could put gas in the car. And and and Huckleberry Tim was mad that he couldn't use the car, so he was trying to withhold my Costco card.

Speaker 2:15

Right, right, right. And it's like, dude, it's not yours to withhold, right?

Speaker 1 2:20

Uh yeah. And I was like, without gas in the car, you can't go anywhere.

Speaker 2:25

Right.

Speaker 1 2:26

So guess what? You can't use the car. Yeah.

Speaker 2:28

It's it's a simple- There's no gas in the car. It's as simple as that. So

Judgment From A Grown Child

Speaker 2:32

let's let's talk about it. Because even right now with my adult daughter, um, we're having like a strange time. She's in this, I'm not I'm gonna not gonna name it because it is a well-known uh religious organization. Religious organization here in the New York City area. And now you listen, I'm actually proud of her uh for tr making some changes in her life. But we had a barbecue here last weekend. Yes, it was fun. And I've been to Eyes Wide Shut Parties, maybe, right? And this was not an eyes wide party shut party. This was old people, some of them more washed up than others. I will, you know, I'll let those uh who guess who they are just having a fun time in the backyard. And and she comes over, you know, she she comes over um as a born-again and is like very judgmental. You know, I find out well later on from one of my other sons is like, oh, I can't associate with my family anymore because you're debauched.

Speaker 1 3:22

There was debauchery going on there in the form of people were drinking and they were cursing.

Speaker 3:28

Yes. Oh, you mean having fun after a Knicks win? Yes after 53 years of the Knicks not winning.

Speaker 1 3:33

Well, it also was just there was nobody out of hand. Right. People were maybe having a cocktail, some weren't even drinking. Right. You were cooking some food, vegan food, regular non-vegan food. We were having good conversation. We've seen some friends that we haven't seen in a really long time, and yeah, you know, we enjoy entertaining like that. And the focus for her was that this was terrible, and she didn't go to church because she came here and she should have gone to church, and you know, nobody made her come. Right, right.

Speaker 4:02

But it there's this weird dynamic as kids get older where I I don't know, like I said, this whole idea that we're the end of infrastructure, we're the window dressing, right? Um, and all the things that I've done for her, and we'll get into the story in a second with uh with Queen with the Queen mom and the and the noise heard around the house, uh, and no fornicating while I'm home. But it's like there's this idea like, you know, like I get to live too, you know. Like, you know, I get to be my own person too.

Speaker 1 4:30

If I want to fornicate while you're home, I will.

Speaker 4:32

Or if I want to curse, or if I want to grow some funky trees in my backyard, or if you want to drink a beer. Yeah. It's there should be no judgment. But let's let's really jump right into this and let's get um.

Speaker 1 4:43

But one more thing I do want to say about Heaven Sent is that, you know, the thing is is that we're okay when she needs, you know, some financial support. And and it's it's unbelievable to me how quickly people forget that, right? Because it's not like it was to the tune of a hundred bucks, okay? No, no, you know, it was the to the tune of tens of thousands, and you know, we've never asked for a penny back. So to come here, okay, when you had the option to say no, right? And then to leave and actually be critical. Critical, critical, crying, crying about the family not being Christian enough. Yeah. Okay. And so now you can't spend any time with them, and your boyfriend's family feels more like a family to you. So, how about you ask them for the money next time?

Speaker 5:27

Or is as the oldest said, well, you know what, is I guess you know, she likes to talk about demons and exercising demons a lot. Well, you know what? Don't ask this demon for money, which is which is thing, which is an odd thing. But let's but let's get into this.

Silent Treatment And Bedroom Privacy

Speaker 5:40

We'll start off with our first segment, which is the silent tell folks what we're talking about.

Speaker 1 5:44

So the Queen Mom was going to her old sleepaway camp. Right. And about three days, two, three when I spoke with her, there was that sighing, the eye rolling, the flipping of the hair. I tried to be affectionate with her and don't touch me. And she shrugged me off. And meanwhile, this is the child who's like very affectionate with me, talks to me about everything. And so I'm like, I don't understand what happened. I can't recall anything that occurred between the two of us, I told her, that warrants this kind of treatment towards me. But if you want to talk to me about it, I'm here to listen. Nothing. It's nothing. Okay. So you then started to notice it because I brought it to your attention. Otherwise, you don't really pay attention. Right. And so Sunday morning, a couple weeks ago, we pack up the car to go to sleeve camp. And, you know, she's not really talking in the car. We get up there and put all her stuff in the pavilion. Where, you know, she's gonna wait for all the other people to do their morning training or whatever was on the agenda for that. You and I are in the car. And she turns. And if you too wanna know what my poor you are so disgusting. You were fornicating while I'm home.

Speaker 7:13

Which is very, very careful when the kids are home. Even to even act that way, like kind of nuts. Do all types of noise. You know, um, the grumpy old man smoke vapes.

Speaker 1 7:24

Yeah, smoke vapes, lie about it, lie about it, candles, blast music, have have mini concerts here, have the entire wardrobe strewn across the floor, 17 boxes from the dorm room and the bedroom with stuff hanging out of them.

Speaker 7:37

I finally got the bill from UPS. Uh, I I I don't even I shouldn't even say this out loud because this has just been like a bunch of financial don't want to know. No, no. It's this has been a bunch of financial wins for me. I don't know what the hell's going on. Uh we got we got the we got the student loan taken care of, we got the taxes taken care of. Do you know? So we shipped. So we go to this kid's dorm room, not ready. Oh, Lord, not packed. Not packed at all. At all. Nothing done, nothing ready, nothing packed. No, nothing messy, disgusting. Messy. Packed. Because somehow, and Heaven Sent did the same thing when she was in college, somehow manifested more things that that that that we did not send have manifested and now like Oh, like I mean triple the amount of things. We packed seven boxes, huge boxes, huge boxes, and still had a full car. And still had a few few few uh huge uh full car. I can't even talk. That's how stressed out I am, even thinking about it. And I have a UPS account. But but Linz, I got the invoice. $16. How's that possible? I don't even know. I'm not even asking. They must have done something wrong. You know what? They did something right. $16. Uh, thank you, UPS, uh, for for that great customer service.

Speaker 1 8:51

Right. So now the Queen Mom is tucked away at camp, and I would like you to know that she is very minimally interacting with me. I believe I heard from her one time, and it was to ask for money. Right. Right. So the silent treatment, no fornicating while she's home, not speaking to me still, but comes through when she wants money. Right.

Speaker 9:14

It here's the amazing thing. If you've read Scott Galloway's book, Notes on Being a Man, for for all of you fathers or sons, and even moms that are out there, or even women that are looking for partners that are male, great book to read, right? Scott talks about being a father and how it's a how it's one of the best jobs in the world of negative equity, right? Where wrong thing, right? Here's the interesting idea of parents being the infrastructure observe all the time that during adolescence and identity formation, right? And so the my possible, like this is the help. Lindsay, talk about this phenomenon. Like, you know, like what why do you think who for I'm not to put their black, I'm gonna keep this very for two years, sending the money, paying rent for his apartment, and the whole knowledge.

Speaker 1 9:56

Well, that that's a whole different thing because I am on my kids. Right. I know where they are and what they're doing at all times.

Speaker 10:02

But what happened? Just tell the high-level story of what happened there, and then who's not talking to who?

Speaker 1 10:07

Right. Well, he ended up not going to class. She was under the assumption that he was still attending class. And then for the second year in a row, right before graduation, when everything was booked, the flights, the hotels, everything, then he dropped the bomb that he wasn't graduating. Right, right. And then he proceeded to not speak to her for about a month and a half.

Speaker 10:34

Right. And so why do you think kids do this? Why do you think they what what do you think this behavior is attributed to?

Speaker 1 10:40

I I wish I knew. I mean, I do think here we have a pretty open relationship with our kids, so they're pretty comfortable just saying anything to us. So that could be a part of it.

Speaker 10:50

But I feel like everybody's kid is like that this day.

Speaker 1 10:53

Like, you know, like we have There's a sense of entitlement that's just mind-blowing.

Speaker 10:58

Right. So I want to I want to jump into the second thing that we would that we talked about, which was uh another story.

Candle Complaints And Music Control

Speaker 1 11:03

Oh, the candle police. Yeah, the candle police and the Kenny Chesney veto. Yeah, good. Right. I was well, we were having company and I was, you know, cleaning the house out. And so I was burning the the Palo Santo stick just to clean clean the energy a little bit. We'd vacuumed, we'd cleaned everything out, the windows were open, and we're gonna be bringing a lot of people into our space. So doing my little ritual cleansing, and then I hear not even not even a door open, right? Just a ma! What's that smell? I said it's the Paulo Santo stick. Yeah, I don't like that. Don't do that when I'm home. All right, I'd appreciate it if you could not do that when I'm home.

Speaker 11:42

Right.

Speaker 1 11:43

Oh, okay. Right. Yeah, no, I kept doing it.

Speaker 11:47

Yeah. And and and here's the difference between you and me, and you've talked to me about this before, is I will actually, and me and his dad have talked about this too, because me and him, me and uh your ex are aligned on this where he calls it don't poke the bear. But that's actually not a healthy way to be, right? Because other people's comfort with your joy is not your responsibility to manage, right? So you've said that literally to me. Like, why are you always tiptoeing around him? Because this is our house and our place. But it's difficult, right? So, how would you encourage like parents to actually manage somebody like the the grumpster back there?

Speaker 1 12:26

Well, I just ignore and I just keep doing everything.

Speaker 12:29

Right.

Speaker 1 12:30

And that's that.

Speaker 12:30

Yeah.

Speaker 1 12:31

Because, you know, he has a lot of opinions. I asked him to empty the dishwasher and he informed me that he wasn't the one who put any of the dishes into it.

Speaker 12:39

Well, I did not put any of the dishes into the dishwasher.

Speaker 1 12:42

So I don't think I should have to do that. And I said, Oh, wow, I guess the $150 worth of meat that I don't even eat or cook for you. No appreciation.

Speaker 12:56

Yeah, yeah. How about the college education?

Speaker 1 12:59

Lord, please. And and the funny thing is, is I always say to you, wow, I can't even imagine telling my mother no, I wasn't going to do that.

Speaker 13:07

Right. Never. Never as an adult, and my mom, and I'm a 53, I'm gonna be 53 next month. My mom is 80, uh 83. I I'm I'm bad. Um, I think she's 83. Sounds about right. Uh 83, 84. But I still would not tell my mom no on a lot of things. One of your favorite movies is Bad Moms. One of your favorite movies. And what is the premise of that movie from what you recall?

Speaker 1 13:32

I love that movie.

Speaker 13:33

And what's the movie about?

Speaker 1 13:34

Wait, no, I'm thinking of the other one that I just watched again recently called Wine Country.

Speaker 13:38

Uh, what are those movies about? They're about parents trying to reclaim what?

Speaker 1 13:42

themselves. Right. You know, well, I think bad moms, I believe. Yeah, we went to see that in the theater, the Christmas one, right? In the Alamo. Yeah. So basically, it's just that, you know, you are a bad parent all the time.

Speaker 13:58

Right, right. Or when you just try to be human, right? Right. Now, there is a difference. Uh, you know, like we do have to be responsible for our kids. And Scott talks about this idea of negative equity, which is that you are supposed to be self-sacrificing, but you also need to not lose yourself, right? And this is why it matters. And I want you to comment on this in in in a second. When parents model that adults get to have sensory pleasures, sex in the home, quietly and responsibly, which we always do. You always you know that I'm always very shook about that. Right. And here's the thing: she if for her to hear even an iota of anything, our room is so far removed from her room.

Speaker 1 14:36

Well, there's attic closets between we have a whole sitting room before the bedroom. Before the bedroom. So, I mean, I she had to have been like snuck in and sat on the floor or something. I don't know.

Speaker 14:51

We get to have sensory pleasures, that we get to have hobbies, we get to have private lives, and it actually helps the young people that are still living in your house understand boundaries.

Speaker 1 15:01

Once I actually told her that um she should be happy after 10 years, we still do that. And then she got grossed out even more, stomped away. Yeah. But let's also talk about how I was making okay, the college drop-in, the sourdough loaf that he asked me for. And I had Kenny Chesney playing on the Alexa, and I was singing along. And then out of the room, he comes and he says, I'm gaming with my friends, and you know, can you turn that down? Like, we don't really like that music, but you could do that like when I'm not home.

Speaker 15:34

Yeah.

Speaker 1 15:35

Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 15:36

Did I ask? What was so funny is I love that guy to death, but as I was chauffeuring him from his barber uh appointment today, that was on his litany of complaints. He was like, Can you believe, Dearsa? That as I was gaming, she was singing Kidney Chesney loudly at the top of her lungs. And I was like, No, I've never seen mom do that before. Which I've seen you do all the time.

Speaker 1 16:00

Well what else was on the list of complaints? Oh, that was that was Oh, the car. Oh, yeah. The kneading of the car.

Speaker 16:05

The needing of the car. Yeah, but not from him. He actually is reasonable and understands.

Speaker 1 16:09

Well, no, I mean, with you know, the argument over the car with his brother.

Speaker 16:13

Oh, well, yes.

Speaker 1 16:14

He would like to have the car here, even though he's never gonna really use it. He would like it here.

Speaker 16:18

But I I I think he just I think he's like me, that he just likes to have a car for the sake of having a car. Yes, in case he wants to use it. In case you want to use it. That's and that's what we do even when we're going away in the islands, right?

Speaker 1 16:29

I I always, I always tell you we don't need a car because we walk everywhere and you're like, just in case. Like, just in case what? Right. Just in case you cannot find one taxi on the entire island.

Speaker 16:40

Uh there's plenty of taxi.

Speaker 1 16:41

Oh, okay. So just in case. But just leave it parked at our apartment for three weeks.

Speaker 16:46

Well, no, because I've we actually drive it a lot when I'm when we're there. You know, I don't want to pay $60 per person for the chance. I mean, that's $120. That's it makes more sense just to rent a car. You you you take a taxi five times, that's the car rental. Yes, yes. So that makes, you know, so that makes sense, right? But here in the case of these two yokels who are going to be fighting over the car while we're gone for the next 21 days, does not make

The True Cost Of Free Rent

Speaker 17:12

sense. Um, I want to jump to our third segment, which is You Live Here for Free, which is the Hall of Fame rebuttal. Um in his book, Scott Galloway says, for all of you 25-year-olds, 26-year-olds that are still at home and have all these complaints about your parents, why don't you go get your own five-story walk-up and then come back and see how hard life is?

Speaker 1 17:37

Lord, and I actually go to those for work. And when I go to those, I tell the parents, wow, I cannot believe you do this with children, with a stroller, with groceries to get your mail. So, yes, absolutely. Can you imagine this one if you had to ask him to go to the fifth floor? He would die.

Speaker 17:56

That's crazy. I want to read some statistics to you, and then I want you to to just give me your thoughts. It's hard to really conceive the the depth of and ungratitude or ingratitude that kids have, especially as they're adults who are guests in your home at this point, right? Who are, you know, I say, well, I bet you got a bad TripAdvisor, a bad Yelp review, or a bad Google review, but it's actually true. Like you are a guest in the home.

Speaker 1 18:25

I always say adult children are a guest in your house.

Speaker 18:29

Here's some shocking statistics, or maybe not shocking statistics. The cost of having a child live in your home until age 18, and it goes beyond that, is $300,000 to $320,000 for middle income families.

Speaker 1 18:47

And that's up to age 18. That's up to age. So now since 18, we've still been paying $84,000 a year in college tuition.

Speaker 18:55

The dude that don't even live here. For one kid. The dude that won't even live here anymore, we pay half his rent, right? For for heaven sent, I thank God for the ones that don't ask us for anything. Heaven sent, well, who's never gonna ask for money again because I'm demonic. Um not Christian enough. And not Christian enough has cost me like a $21,000 hospital bill.

Speaker 1 19:15

Plus the big couple thousand dollar Puerto Rican incident. Yeah. And then there was the I don't have enough to finish my payment for nursing school incident. Right. And and and no word on paying that back, but a lot of opinions on what is going on.

Speaker 19:31

And it becomes frustrating as a parent because when you think about how much you pay in mortgage, right? The average market rent for one bedroom nationally, right? In New York, it's far more is sixteen hundred to seventeen thirteen uh uh seventeen hundred a month, right? Add groceries to that. How much are we talking about, Lance?

Speaker 1 19:48

Well, I don't add, I don't spend that much on groceries because we're vegan, so I can't really, you know, I could only spend a hundred a week for the two of us. Five hundred dollars. But the meat eater here is really costing costing us a lot of money this summer.

Speaker 20:01

Five hundred dollars per person per month, right? Utilities, premium Wi-Fi for all the gaming and the music streaming, um, the laundry service, which um I believe he took my credit card to the mall last week and bought sneakers.

Speaker 1 20:15

Right? The laundry bought his work, his work wardrobe for the summer with my card, right?

Speaker 20:20

Right. The laundry service, right? Remember the the queen mom has her own bank account and she asked for a hundred dollars. And you know what? I got slick and I took the hundred dollars out of her bank account and sent it to her. That chick, five minutes later, why do I have a hundred dollars less in my account? You didn't even tell me that. Yeah, she's texting, she tell like five minutes after I did it. She's like, I noticed that I'm a hundred dollars. Well, I was like, you asked for a hundred dollars. Well, I didn't know that you were gonna take it from my money.

Speaker 1 20:55

Oh, I see. I was supposed to take it from mine. Right. Because I didn't buy you enough things for the camp, and now you'd like to use my money for all of your other expenses. Right, right, right, right, right. That's another question I have actually. What do they use their money for? I have no idea. Oh, okay. Just wondering.

Speaker 21:13

I just see the money growing in the bank accounts. That's that's it.

Speaker 1 21:16

Right, because she's got a lot of money.

Speaker 21:19

Yeah.

Speaker 1 21:19

And and I'm sure this one does too, Mr. Uh Tight Pockets over here. Oh, super tight pockets. Yeah, who asked us for money, I believe, four times this week. Yeah. And it was four days in a row. Last night we went to dinner, and if you recall, he actually asked us to bring food home for a restaurant that is at least four for an appetizer.

Speaker 21:38

It is $20. Is $20, right? And appetizer's like, nah, bro, go to the Mexican space spot across the street. Here, here's here's a crazy statistic for you, right? Um conservative estimates are that parents are providing twenty to forty thousand dollars per year per adult that is living in their house. Tell me about that. Like, what are your thoughts on that? I didn't know it was that much.

Speaker 1 22:03

Yeah, it makes sense. It's a lot of money. I mean, with these kids here, we are spending a fortune. We are spending a fortune. They ask for everything. Then they have their groceries. They want to go out. They want to socialize. They need clothes. They need sneakers. They get their phone bill paid for. I mean, I'm sure you paid at the barber this morning, right?

Speaker 22:22

I I paid his bar. Right.

Speaker 1 22:24

So I I'm still I'm still stuck on the what are they doing with their money?

Speaker 22:29

They're saving it.

Speaker 1 22:30

Oh. When do we get to save it?

Speaker 22:32

I don't know. Maybe for the grandchildren. I don't, I don't know. Well, if Heaven sent as, and he's probably not going to let them see us. Oh, because we're not Christian enough. We're not Christian enough. Here's a fun fact for you. 25.2 million young adults under the age of 35 are still living at home in 2025. Many of them are employed, 70%. And in most cases, they do not contribute financially to the home.

Speaker 1 23:00

I'm okay with them spending their own money to go out and do things. I think that's okay. Well, even though they keep asking us for money. I am okay with purchasing some groceries for them. But what I want is the hey, I notice the dishwasher's full. Let me make your life a little bit easier and empty it for you. Right. And then refill it. But it's also like they do part of the job. He's driving me crazy. So here is the thing with him. He, the one who's here now. He's actually very clean because he lives in a shared space at college. So he does his dishes. What drives me nuts is why would you wash a dish and dry it and then just put it on the counter? Why? Why would you wash all the silverware and just throw it on the counter? Why wouldn't you just put it back where it goes? Right, right.

Speaker 23:46

Why? Here's a memo that I, for all of you who have adults and uh older uh children that live in the home that could be contributing to the home but aren't you doing? Here's a memo that I think we should put up. House rules to the residents who pay $0 a month from the management, the mortgage holders, the laundry doers, and the fornicators. Effective immediately. Candle and incense privileges have been fully reinstated. Scent profiles will be chosen by the management and based on personal joy levels. Kenny Chesney and any other artist that the management enjoys will now play at all hours, including, but not limited to your 12 o'clock nap time, your dinner prep, and any moment that the controller is in hand. Volume may be adjusted for courtesy, but will not be in will not be no negotiated for vibe disruption. Parental parent parental time is protected. Closed doors mean do not disturb.

Speaker 1 24:47

Right. I'm gonna interrupt you for a minute because do you remember the time that she came to our room? Right. And she twisted the knob and said, and then pushed it open. And she said, I know you tried to lock the door, but your lock doesn't really work. So if you push hard enough, the door opens. And what did you say to her? I was like, you better be glad we weren't doing something. No, as long as you said you said if it's locked like that, it means don't come in.

Speaker 25:09

It means don't come in, right? Here's the end of it. Um, all complaints must be submitted with writing with the suggested trade-off that I will do my share to help around the house, right?

House Rules That Protect Peace

Speaker 25:23

Love the people who actually pay the bills. Um what are some takeaways as we move on to our final section of that we can do for fellow parents? If kids are policing the house and you actually in your own in your other profession, you come across this even with little kids, where kids are setting the house rules. How can we stop the children, both little kids and adult kids, from policing the house and policing our joy?

Speaker 1 25:48

I deal with this a lot at work where I tell parents that two-year-olds are often the boss of the house. Right. I'm like, it's your fault, you allow it. Right. Right? When they're little, yes, I could see where you get into bad habits. But I don't know with the ones who live here because we're pretty clear in what the rules are and what our boundaries are. And yet, still, there's a lot of opinions.

Speaker 26:11

And it's not a terrible thing, right? It's not a terrible thing because it means that your children are comfortable enough, that they feel safe enough, that they can talk to you, right? That they can voice an opinion or they can tell you about being displeased with you. And a lot of us haven't grown up with parents like that. The important thing is to not allow them to police you. Yes, you can have an opinion, but let's be real here. We talked about all the finances. You don't contribute enough to tell me what to do, right? And as somebody who's the boundary queen, why is it important to set that boundary with children?

Speaker 1 26:47

Well, they they need to know they need to know how it is, I will say. Right. You know, and and and the thing is is that kids enjoy boundaries, they actually like boundaries.

Speaker 26:57

Right, right, right, right, right. I can't I can't say I can't say it enough, right? How about this point point? And uh a little reclaimed adulthood is healthy from everyone, right? What is what does that mean for you, right? Like the the fact that I I want to just veg out and play my PS5 for a little bit today.

Speaker 1 27:14

Well, you're allowed to do that, right? Because you do a whole lot of other things at all the other times. Right. You work, you went to the grocery store this morning already, you went to the barber, you have other things that you want to get done today, and you'll get them done. And so you you get to decide what you do. And honestly, as far as I'm concerned, because we pay the bills, we're the only two people who get to do whatever we want whenever we want here.

Speaker 27:38

I have a good friend that I talked to last week, and he told me that he's so and he's been married a long time, he's got uh three kids, and he actually sat and told me he's so unhappy in his marriage right now, right? Um, and so unhappy in his family right now. And I the pro

Reclaiming Adulthood Without Guilt

Speaker 27:55

the problem with this person is they do nothing for themselves. Nothing. And they're people, the ultimate people pleaser. And what happens when you do nothing for yourself as a parent, it leads to a lot of resentment, right?

Speaker 1 28:08

My brain is going here, going forward. Oh, I'll tell you who it is after we get off.

Speaker 28:12

Yeah, I'll give you, I'll tell you who it is after we get off, right? But a a little recruit uh reclaimed adulthood is healthy for everyone, right? And I had to tell this person if you don't get when I was in grad school, you didn't you weren't at my graduation, but the first talk, the first line in the opening of the c of the c uh of the of the final commencement speech speech was put the mask on yourself first as a therapist. And the last line was put the mask on yourself first.

Speaker 1 28:40

Yeah, you have to take care of yourself. Why? Because if you don't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of anybody else. Right. That's the truth. So you have to take care of you.

Speaker 28:49

You're allowed to sing badly.

Speaker 1 28:51

You're you're allowed to fornicate at home.

Speaker 28:54

Yep. You're allowed to whenever I want. Allowed to burn a candle, right? And when you do, and when you when you only live for everybody else, the modeling that it the family research has showed that parents who maintain their own sense of self and boundaries are happier and raise kids who are better at boundaries and self-advocacy advocacy for themselves.

Speaker 1 29:17

Yes. Well, I think that's why the kid was so comfortable telling me about the I'm led to believe you were fornicating while I'm home.

Speaker 29:25

Yeah, yeah. And it was good. And it was good too. It was good. I should have said that. I should, if you'd have said if she'd have said that to me, I would have been like it wouldn't be damn good.

Speaker 1 29:33

I believe you said, let's get home quickly. The house is empty so we could go fornicate again.

Speaker 29:38

Yes, I probably did say that. Right? Um the freeman.

Speaker 1 29:42

But you know, here's the thing. I'm sorry that the camp drop off is intense. The candle can stay lit. The Kenny Chesney is non-negotiable. And anybody who's been put on trial in their own home by someone who doesn't pay the bills, this episode is for you. You are doing great. Yeah, you're doing the mortgage is yours, the opinions are yours. Well, if they're loud, but it's your right to do whatever you want to do.

Speaker 30:07

And and also the last thing I want to say is the free rent reminder is not for them, it's for you, right? It's for you to remember that you are the person in charge here, right? And if the peanut gallery and if the c if the clientele that does not contribute, that lives for free has complaints, then you can remind them that they need to be responsible for their part of the house, right? Right. What happens with a lot of these young adults and they all come into the workplace is they're coddled, right? And their parents tiptoe around them and actually do give in and relent. And then well, people are afraid to say no, right? Right.

Speaker 1 30:43

And I mean, I know somebody like that with the you know, with the daughter, and it's just like the rules keep changing, and then there's, you know, no kind of cohesiveness or you know, camaraderie between, you know, the parents together. And you know, here's the one thing that I always tell you even if we don't agree with something, we gotta figure out a way to be on the same page. Right, right, right. Right?

Speaker 31:06

Hey, and I don't know if you already closed with this, but in closing, I want parents to remember the mortgage is yours. The opinions, they can be loud, but so is your right to sing along. Um, that's that's it. That's all I got to say.

Speaker 1 31:21

Yes, and now go and get on with your fornicator.

Speaker 31:23

Get on with the fornicate. Well, this is a family show. So, got some errands to do, and then maybe later on for Father's Day. This has been Cleveland and Lindsay, and this has been another episode of The Devil You Don't Know.